Pain-killer

I need a break from life. Like how do you just unplug everything? i don't want a break from work because i don't wanna be alone with my thoughts but i also can't take work anymore. Neither do i want to do anything else or spend time with anyone else. I just want to sleep, to not feel anything anymore and rest and be back in a few months. This is just too f*cking hard.

To fake a smile

To get up every morning

To listen to them

To show up for others

To pretend I care

To put on a brave face

To shoulder that weight

To hide my pain

To restrain my tears

To bite my tongue

To forget about myself

I know you're stressed out

I know you think I'm the one to blame

I know I'm not perfect

I know I can be a lot sometimes

How many efforts I put in this ?

How many times I hold my thoughts ?

How often you annoy me ?

How selfish you are most days ?

Kinda wishing you'd actually slip away. Ending in those same shoes, 20 years later.

Still felling like I can't be honest with anyone on this. Like I shouldn't think like that. Is it because I'm that scientific, super rational girl? I mean, sure, I'll be sad but if I really think about it, wouldn't it be better to not be / be dead than to live under these conditions? And even for us, isn't it better to miss her than to witness her decline, everyday a bit more, right before our eyes?

Probably the most unpopular opinion, but if I'm honest, I'd go as far as saying I wish it was over. And by every social standard, thaht make me the bad guy.

Felling like I'm watching my life unravel before my eyes. Out of body kinda thing. Not feeling like I'm actually livin' it or making my choices. Not at all what I was hoping for / dreaming of when I was a kid. I know you can't expect things to go as planned and maybe I'm just an eternally unsatisfied kinda girl, but I don't feel the slightest bit fulfilled. No real reason to wake up every mornin', no passion worth fightin' for at this point. Keep dreaming about flying away or maybe more like running? How is that gonna change anything anyways? It's not like goint on the other side of the earth will ever make me someone else.

Alone. Surrounded by so many people and yet feeling so utterly alone. Maybe that's why I actually love being around noone. At least it feels more coherent. I'm not saying I was unloved or not taken care of. But I've kind of always felt alone. Alone with my thoughts, fears, dreams, emotions ... Like none of them mattered as long as I kept studying. Yeah, studying. In order to be able to get a job. In order to sustain myself. Well, been there, done that. And where did that get me ? More loneliness. Almost like I was taught not to feel or at the very least not to show what I feel and definitely not to act on those feelings, whatsoever. Like I'm not entitled to those, like they don't matter. Ended up learning to barricade myself under millions of layers of walls, hiding it all, not ever wanting to feel vulnerable. Because every time I started to open up, it was dismissed. Brushed to the side. Not having even been supported. Like really. For dreams and hobbies other than academics, obviously. And not able to open up, even now. Not being able to share those and feel someone, anyone, unconditionally supporting me, encouraging me, helping me face all of it and pushing me to be the best version of myself. Isn't this what family's supposed to be?

Des années que je n'avais pas ressenti ça, cette sensation d'avoir des poignards plantés dans l'abdomen, d'avoir des mains qui écrasent mes entrailles de l'intérieur. Cette douleur poignante, qui plie en deux, qui empêche de se tenir debout, qui fait vaciller, trembler mes jambes, qui se transforme en agonie au moindre mouvement.

Une envie, une certitude, une décision. Si je peux, j'enlève tout.

I wish I could cut it all out

Relieve the pain once and for all

Sometimes I just wanna shout

And never have to recall

Tonight I'm mad. Mad at you and mad at myself.

Mad at you because even after all those years, you still push me over and over again. Up untill the point where I become the worst version of myself.

Mad at myself because even after all those years, I still fall for it over and over again. Up untill the point where I am the worst version of myself.

And I keep regretting, reliving, reminding myself,, not even sur you care. And I'm even madder at myself for still caring that much. For still letting you influence my feelings that much. For letting you get to me.

Crying myself to sleep, over and over again.

All of a sudden, the feeling came back. The need to write. So many things have changed since the last time.

Horseriding is over,I won't say forever because noone ever knows but il feel like it's ganna be for a very long time, probably until I die. I still resent them, for what they let me hope for, for encouraging me to dream and then for letting it all fall down.

I'm finally at ease with never having kids. Biological kids at least. In a way, I never wanted that. I just had trouble accepting that the possibility was wrongfully taken away from me.

I'm still not ok with all the insulin issue. Not ok with how they all reacted, saying it was basically my fault. I still don't feel like I have to do the efforts because I still feel it's unfair. Though, I hate my body right now, more than ever. I want it to change but i can't seem te be motivated enough to even start doing anything about it. I hope I will really, truely, fully commit to that soon.